


Angel

by zeroriro



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Blood, Death, Doctors & Physicians, Established Relationship, Ghosts, Gore, Grim Reapers, Guilt, Homophobia, Kim Yugyeom-centric, M/M, Messy, Military, Nightmares, Nurses, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Wakes & Funerals, War, also, bc i can, lieutenant jinyoung, mark is a grim reaper who yugyeom thinks he's an angel, yugmark is purely platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 14:05:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13928634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroriro/pseuds/zeroriro
Summary: It's funny,Yugyeom thinks as he glances at his body swelling in the tub, water red in color and a bloody knife on the floor.He wonders if he'll feel a pair of arms that'll wrap around him comfortingly.





	Angel

**Author's Note:**

> yes i knoW that i have an ongoing fic  
> but im kinda stuck so here i am lmaooo  
> also im not a big fan of happy endings sorry!!!!!!
> 
> do leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it! <3

_ It's funny, _

Yugyeom thinks as he glances at his body swelling in the tub, water red in color and a bloody knife on the floor.

He wonders if he'll feel a pair of arms that'll wrap around him comfortingly.

  
  
  
  


Yugyeom runs around the dirtied concrete floor, holes and dirt all over.

He nearly trips over rocks and brick pieces, the instruments in his dirtied medical box his sweaty palms holds is jingling as he runs, step by step as he sweats nervously, heart pounding in his chest.

 

There's bombings and gunshots outside.

It scares Yugyeom that how one of the enemy can barge through the camp any moment and kill them all.

 

“Yugyeom, hurry!”,

Dahyun cries out, hands stained with blood as she presses on the wound of the injured soldier who groans out in pain, streams of blood pooling around Dahyun’s knees.

The tall nurse slides on his knees and glides over to the doctor, opening the medical box with shaky hands and hands her instruments as told.

 

Flies are everywhere, loud buzzing almost covering Dahyun’s voice and the bombing mess outside.

 

“Scalpel.”

 

Yugyeom’s hands are incredibly shaky as he hands her the instrument, heart almost beating out of his chest.

 

“Forceps.”

 

The flies around the soldier's wounds doesn't go away and Yugyeom chases them away with his sleeves.

 

“This is going to hurt.”,

Dahyun warns the man as she tries to get out the bullet in his right arm.

A crippling scream is echoed through the room, but it's not as loud as the crying soldier nearby with his foot chopped off.

 

Yugyeom shivers at how violent the bullet is pulled out as his grip on the old medical box tightens.

The soldier heaves, cold sweat matting his neat hair on his forehead.

 

The buzzing is basically carved in his mind.

 

“Gauze sponge.”

 

“Bandage.”

 

“I'll attend to you later sir, you did a great job.”

 

And the soldier passes out of pain.

The gun shooting noises outside becomes messier and louder.

  
  


“Doctor Kim!”

 

Dahyun is off to the direction of the shouting and Yugyeom is left alone to check on the patient.

When he's done, he turns his head around to see if anyone needs help but is met with doctors sewing wounds or bandaging them, patients screaming and wailing, making Yugyeom shake in fear.

 

Before he could even turn his head to tune the mess out, he sees a young boy crying, rubbing his eyes with chubby hands while standing, shirt torn and stained with dirt and blood, foot littered with scratch wounds.

Yugyeom pauses.

 

How is a child in a military camp?

In the middle of a war?

 

He wants to run to the child, hug him, assure him that's it's going to be okay.

But he can only blink, shaking as he watch the kid wails.

 

A pair of arms appear out of nowhere and hugs the young boy before letting go for a second, slim long legs floating to face the boy.

 

Yugyeom thinks he's hallucinating.

 

That is until a young man, wearing a simple white T-shirt that's oddly clean seemingly that they're in a chaotic war camp, simples jeans and a pair of black sneakers squats down in front of the kid, wiping his tears and reassures his safety.

The young man has a head of fluffy blond hair, slim fingers and starry emerald green eyes.

 

Reassuring the kid, the blond man presses a soft kiss on the boy’s forehead, reaching out to link their hands together and the boy sniffles, chubby fingers reaching out for the slim ones.

Yugyeom feels weird, because his cheek is wet.

 

The blond man turns around for a moment, as if sensed that Yugyeom is watching and his sparkling eyes lock with Yugyeom's dull depressed brown.

And the man smiles lightly, before leading the child out the tent.

 

Yugyeom wipes his face, only to realize that he cried.

 

“Huh, weird.”

 

But before he can pry into what happened, Jackson is screaming for him, Jaebum hanging over his shoulder.

The buzzing of flies around the dead bodies and wounds lingers in his mind as his blood run cold at the sight.

  
  
  
  


Yugyeom pokes the medium rare steak, blood flowing out and he frowns.

It reminds him of his patient's wound.

 

Bambam sits across him watches him worriedly, pausing in the middle of eating.

“Hey, you okay?”,

The elder of the two asks, reaching out for the wine placed in front of them.

 

Yugyeom looks up and blinks.

He doesn't want Bambam to know.

 

“Yeah.”,

He replies, charcoal black hair falling into his eyes.

Bambam sighs out, wanting to just enjoy the time with his best friend.

 

Best friend?

Bambam doesn't want that, he wants to be Yugyeom's everything and he wants Yugyeom to be his everything.

 

Yugyeom pokes his fork around the plate and before he realizes it, he's being yanked up by Bambam.

“I know somewhere that we can relax at.”,

Bambam smiles, the same reassuring smile that he gave Yugyeom when they were kids, saving the younger from bullies at their neighborhood.

 

Yugyeom can feel his heart skip a beat and he smiles, shy and affectionate as he follows Bambam to the night, forgetting about the fear from the war 3 months ago.

  
  
  
  


As if it'd be that easy, now that Yugyeom is in black from head to toe, head hanging low as he sobs quietly.

It's a sunny day out and he's sweating in his suit, sweaty hands wiping tears away.

 

He lifts his head and sniffles, heartbreaking and tears falling at the sight of Youngjae on his knees crying in front of Jaebum's coffin, Jackson dripping tears silently as he hugs the younger.

Jinyoung sits at the first row, hands covering his face and elbows resting on his knees, tears falling through the gap of his trembling fingers.

 

Jaebum committed suicide due to the pent up fear and stress after the war, those words still lingers in Yugyeom's ears as he closes his eyes and swallows the lump in his throat.

But it's not just the war.

  
  
  
  


Yugyeom remembers drinking with Jaebum, Jinyoung, Youngjae and Jackson in Jaebum's empty spacious apartment a week before they got sent to the city border.

Jaebum was crying halfway through the bottle of beer as Jackson babbles into his phone speaker to his mother, Youngjae quietly watching them.

 

Jinyoung is gone, sleeping on the carpet, bottle left with a quarter of liquor as he snores.

Yugyeom remembers, Jaebum's crying isn't just a drunk habit because he seems too sad, too mournful, too longingly, teary puffy red streaked eyes glancing at the photo frame that's faced downward at the television stand.

 

No one has touched the photo frame before, not even Jinyoung.

It's something from Jaebum's past, before being enlisted and knowing them.

 

But judging by how Youngjae looks at the photo frame sadly, it must mean a lot to Jaebum.

That night was a mess, Yugyeom drunk off his ass after the third bottle, Youngjae ditching his babbling boyfriend to console his crying older cousin while keeping an eye on the youngest who's almost dancing on the coffee table and nearly stepping on the sleeping lightweight.

 

The morning after Yugyeom spots a faced down photo frame on Jaebum's desk when he was getting to the toilet, Jaebum sitting on his bed with his face planted in his palms.

Yugyeom doesn't pry in too much, judging by how Jaebum stood up to close his bedroom door shut, sending him an apologetic look.

 

He walks in to Jackson and Youngjae making out in the toilet and he slams the door close immediately, face red with embarrassment as Jinyoung snorts from the couch.

  
  
  
  


Right now Yugyeom is poking at the provided food at Jaebum's funeral, Youngjae off to tend to their relatives alone even if he's just Jaebum's cousin.

Jackson downs a shot of soju, hands shaking and grip tight on the cup.

 

Jinyoung nibbles on the rice and the three mourns quietly.

When Youngjae comes back to their table, he sits down quietly, letting out a shaky sigh.

 

“Youngjae, you alright?”,

Jackson asks quietly, unable to touch and hug his lover in public.

Youngjae nods, head hanging low as Yugyeom and Jinyoung exchange a sympathetic look, knowing how unaccepting the society is.

 

Even if it's Jaebum's funeral, the relatives still tries to introduce Youngjae a nice girl to date shamelessly.

It hurts Youngjae to face them smiling brightly without any empathy.

 

And Yugyeom sees him, the blond guy who consoled the young boy in the military camp.

Except the blond looks sad and broken, standing in front of Jaebum's coffin and with sorrow and sadness filling up his heart, he looks away.

Yugyeom can feel himself shake when his eyes dart out the door, spotting a familiar broad shoulders and the familiar T-shirt curled up to a ball.

 

Jaebum.

 

Yugyeom stands up in a sudden, deaf to the shocked questions of his friends as he makes his way to Jaebum, bumping into people and not apologizing.

His heart hurts, his eyes are getting blurry and he sobs, legs speeding up and he almost trips when he gets out the door.

 

He gapes and pauses, tear staining his socks as he stands in front of Jaebum slumped to the wall, face buried in his knees.

“Hyung.”,

Yugyeom calls out brokenly and Jaebum looks up.

 

The familiar silver star earrings dangles when the elder raises his head, eyes shocked and filled with tears.

Yugyeom gapes as he trembles, falling to the ground on his knees.

 

Before Yugyeom can say a word, the familiar long legs walks ever so gracefully, almost gliding to Jaebum.

“Bum.”,

Voice soft like a whisper, light like a breeze of wind and Jaebum looks up, more tears falling.

 

“Mark.”,

Jaebum whispers back, voice hoarse and rough on the edge as Mark smiles back sadly, eyes sparkling with sorrow.

Yugyeom can only watch on.

 

“Is it- Is it time to go?”,

Jaebum asks, choking on his words and Mark nods sadly, squatting down to hug him.

Jaebum blinks his tears away, hugging back tightly before letting him go for a second.

 

“Gyeom-ah, thank you. Please look after Youngjae for me.”,

Jaebum tells him sadly, forcing a shaky smile and Yugyeom sobs.

He tries to reach out to Jaebum, but unable to touch.

 

Mark looks at him sadly, bowing before holding Jaebum's hand, sharing a look that Youngjae and Jackson would as they walk away, Jaebum not turning around, looking at the ground.

 

Later on Jinyoung finds him sobbing at the same spot, wrapping his arms around the younger comfortingly.

Bambam picks him up later on, the drive back to their apartment quiet as he holds Yugyeom's hand tightly.

  
  
  
  


Later that week he goes to Jaebum's apartment to help out the others to clean out the place even if the things are already boxed neatly.

It scares him that how well planned out Jaebum's suicide is.

 

Jinyoung looks at one of the box labelled as “Nyoung” in Jaebum's bedroom and takes in a shaky breath.

Youngjae looks at them sadly before telling them there are boxes dedicated for himself, Yugyeom and Jackson too.

 

But the photo frame that's left faced down is still on Jaebum's desk.

Out of curiosity, Yugyeom takes it and flip it around.

 

It shows Jaebum wrapping an arm around a blond boy’s shoulder that Yugyeom recognizes as Mark, the floating boy, smiling brightly at the camera lense.

Youngjae walks over to him, quietly watching Yugyeom cry at the photo.

 

That night Yugyeom learns that Jaebum isn't accepted in his family for being bisexual and having a boyfriend, to add it on he was a music composer that his family thought that it wasn't a well paying job which explains why isn't his family at his funeral, needing Youngjae to do all the work.

Youngjae tells him that Jaebum met Mark at a trip to America, escaping from his family to work.

 

They both hit off quickly and Jaebum stayed in America longer than he planned.

Youngjae was staying at America at that time so Jaebum stayed with him.

 

“Jaebum-hyung was really lucky to have a 10 years visa.”,

Youngjae tells Yugyeom, chuckling bitterly as he downs a shot of vodka.

And Mark was the one who introduced Jackson to him.

 

Jaebum eventually brought Mark and Youngjae back to Korea, lived with him for a month and they went straight back to America after meeting Jaebum's family.

Youngjae tells him about the disastrous dinner, where he sits there and admire how calm Mark and Jaebum is having Jaebum's parents throwing in insults and snarky comments, aunties looking at them disapprovingly.

 

“I'm not here to get your approval. I'm just here to tell you.”,

Youngjae quotes Jaebum, imitating the cold stern voice of the dead man, laughing sadly as he looks down to his cup.

“If only I had the guts to do the same for Jackson.”,

He tells Yugyeom shakily, pouring out another shot vodka.

 

“Hyung…”,

Yugyeom starts sadly and Youngjae shakes his head quietly.

“Jaebum-hyung only got in the army because aunty thought it's ”the least you can do to contribute”. ”,

Youngjae continues, head still hung low.

 

“We never knew there was a war going on, hyung.”,

Yugyeom tells him sadly, patting the elder’s shoulder.

He remembers, the quick notice of needing to be sent to war to aid injured soldiers.

 

He remembers Dahyun’s lips pressed to a tight line, knowing well that her brother is fighting in that war.

He remembers his head spinning as he grips the notice too hard, crumbling at the edge as he shook in fear.

 

He remembers, the way Jackson hugged Youngjae so tightly in his office, reassuringly his lover that he'll come back safely.

It happened, they survived and now they live with the fear lingering in their mind.

 

“Mark-hyung died a couple of years back in America, he got ran over by a drunk driver.”,

Youngjae breaks his trance, fingers tracing the rim of his cup.

“Jaebum-hyung was devastated. It happened when he was in the military training.”,

Youngjae continues, opening a soju bottle for a shot.

 

Youngjae’s living room is dim, quiet and the lonely kitchen light only makes Yugyeom feel more sad than he should.

“Mark-hyung did get a decent funeral though. His family was incredibly kind and accepting.”,

Youngjae tells him, as if reassuring him that there's some good in all that tragedy.

 

“Did Jaebum-hyung attend it?”

 

“He did. He took a break from the training to fly there. To think that their last time meeting face to face was through FaceTime the morning before the accident.”

 

Yugyeom feels his heart cry in pain for his best hyung.

 

“It's okay though, now Jaebum-hyung is with Mark-hyung.”,

Youngjae smiles brokenly at Yugyeom before crying, face planted in his knees and broken sobs filled the empty apartment.

 

Yugyeom could only hug the elder to comfort him.

  
  
  
  


Yugyeom is drunk beyond the stars in the sky, he knows.

The empty alcohol bottles lay around the living room and it'll be a pain to clean later on, he knows.

He shouldn't be sitting on Bambam’s lap, sharing lazy and sloppy kisses, it's just their regular relaxing Friday, he knows, oh, he knows.

 

But Bambam isn't stopping and so is he, butterfly kisses littering along his neck as he licks the other's jaw before they lock lips, tongue dancing and Yugyeom feels his heart soar.

They break apart to breathe, forehead touching as they pant and Yugyeom licks his lips.

 

“I love you so much.”,

Yugyeom whispers against Bambam's lips, breath hot with his hands rested on the other's chest, feeling Bambam's heart thumping quickly under his fingertips and he could feel Bambam's hands still at his waist before pulling him closer, locking their lips.

Even when Yugyeom is drunk off his ass, his consciousness remains.

 

“I love you too, so, so much.”,

Bambam’s voice that got a pitch lower lingers in his mind as the elder of the two lays him in bed, pressing a long kiss against his lips before leaving the room.

The morning after Yugyeom is relieved to find Bambam sleeping on the couch, lanky legs hanging off the hand rest, the television still on and the bottles cleaned up with Bambam’s sketch pad on the coffee table, pencil at the edge of the table.

 

They make breakfast together like always, except a little more affectionate, touch lingering and gaze loving.

They do talk it out after breakfast, plates and utensils left on the eating table as a happy shriek fills the room and a loud thump against the floorboard.

 

“I love you.”,

Yugyeom smiles as they lay side by side, facing each other at the crampy space of the sofa leg and the coffee table, which Bambam responds with a kiss on the crown of his head then his nose, lips track down to his lips for a long loving kiss.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Fingers linking and matching happy smiles, they both drift off to a comforting and warm morning nap, soft sunlight shining in their shared apartment and birds chirping out the window.

 

Youngjae and Jackson congratulates them, a “finally” from Jinyoung as they clink their glasses together, a empty space left on the couch.

“I've been waiting for this since forever oh my god.”,

Jinyoung babbles, emotional as he chugs down the shot.

 

“Jaebum-hyung would be happy to know this, his favorite little brother not being forever alone.”,

Youngjae smiles at him and Yugyeom smiles gratefully back.

It's been almost a year since Jaebum's death and Yugyeom still sees Mark.

 

He sees Mark comforting one of the dead patients, hugging them before guiding them to a better place.

Yugyeom thinks he's an angel.

 

Mark is always around the hospital area, helping the crying souls to find their way.

Whenever Yugyeom and Mark lock gaze, Mark would whisper a “thank you”, soft voicing flowing with the medicine smelling air to Yugyeom.

 

Yugyeom didn't quite understand why did Mark thank him, and he doesn't tell anyone about it but he returns a small subtle nod, not wanting anyone to think he's silly for nodding at nothing.

Bambam’s warm hand on his left thigh breaks him out of his trance and he shares a look with his boyfriend before joining in the hyped conversation.

  
  
  
  


There's flies near the trash bin that he and Bambam forgot to take out, buzzing oh so familiarly with maggots crawling around and Yugyeom's head spin, flashbacks of wounds and dead bodies popping up.

He falls to his knees, heaving and eyes spinning as he wraps his arms around himself, crying quietly in fear.

 

He remembers the way Jaebum's body is limp and unresponsive, his shaky hands pumping oxygen for him as Jackson pumps the man's heart for 10 minutes straight that made them both freak out.

Yugyeom was so scared that Jaebum would die there.

 

Yugyeom wheezes as he remembers the way Jinyoung’s crippling scream travels through the camp as one of the doctors extracts a stone from his open wound as flies gather around the bloody stone.

 

He runs around the place, legs shaky as he covers his ears but the damned buzzing just won't go away.

 

Buzz.

 

Yugyeom crashes into something, it reminds him of the bricks nearby the camp come crashing through the gaps of the entrance, scaring every patients and medical crew.

 

Buzz.

 

He crashes into a pile of something, probably his book collection but all he can think was the dying patients wheezing, flies gathering around their mouth.

 

Buzz.

 

Yugyeom cries, wheezes, screams and he falls to his knees as he heaves, vision blurry and breath cut short.

 

Footsteps were the last thing he remembers before passing out at the lack of oxygen.

 

The buzzing of flies lingers with him, no matter where he went.

  
  
  
  


“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”,

Yugyeom reads out loud to himself, Bambam sitting beside him as the noisy clock Bambam thought was cool ticks on quietly.

The pamphlet with cheap free font from the internet silently mocks him and Bambam for not seeing the signs.

 

The flinch when Yugyeom sees a fly, the way he trembles when he hears a beehive nearby, how a red colored stone can make him cry.

Almost every reaction he made was a sign.

 

Bambam frowns deeper, grip tightening and heart heavy.

“We'll get through this, I'll stick with you. No matter what.”,

Bambam swears, bringing Yugyeom's knuckles up and preps kisses on the skin.

 

Yugyeom feels secured, protected, yet afraid of what he can do when the panic attacks happen.

He suffers through the fear of sleeping or approaching a dustbin.

  
  
  
  


The rest of the year goes like this, Yugyeom drops his job, like many of the nurses and doctors that went with him, he attends therapy and sharing sessions and he became more accepting towards the dust bin in his and Bambam's shared apartment.

Youngjae comes around to talk to him like always while Jackson is busy performing surgeries.

 

Bambam takes more time off his job to accompany him and Yugyeom wished to say that they both can live happily ever after.

With the mental health clinic being nearby the hospital, he still sees Mark.

 

Mark, the never aging face, the floating boy, Mark, the angel.

He's always around the area, always guiding lost souls with a comforting hug and a firm hand grip.

 

Yugyeom knows he shouldn't feel this, but he's envy that those lost souls have Mark to guide them.

He knows he should be grateful that he's alive, but he couldn't stop the envy when he sees lost souls’ smiling brightly when Mark guides them away.

 

And that's how he finds more fear in living and relief in death.

Sure, therapy is helping with his coping mechanism but it couldn't help with the nightmares.

 

Bambam knows, of course he does.

How could he not know that his lover is suffering?

 

Bambam would go off work early, bringing fabrics of all colors and textures home to finish up the commissions, accompanying Yugyeom.

And Yugyeom is grateful to be loved and loving such a wonderful man.

 

With every contact of their skin, Yugyeom can feel his heart race, smiling wide and bright and he falls in love more and more.

So he fears, he fears of wanting death, leaving Bambam alone behind.

 

He fears of seeing Youngjae and Jackson crying like they did for Jaebum's funeral.

Yugyeom always shake those thoughts away, pulling Bambam to a sweet kiss whenever the other comes home.

  
  
  
  


“Are you happy?”

 

The question came out of Jackson's mouth once day, when he and Youngjae came to accompany Yugyeom who's sitting alone at home while Bambam works at the famous designing company.

Youngjae nearly spills his tea and Yugyeom chokes on the chocolate cake they brought him.

 

“I-I am. Why'd you ask, hyung?”,

Yugyeom speaks up after swallowing the cake, pupils shaking ever so slightly.

“It's… Just, you don't look so happy ever since. y'know.”,

Jackson frowns as he speak, glasses fogged with the hot tea’s steam as Youngjae reaches over to place his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder.

 

Yugyeom blinks.

 

“I… I guess.”,

The youngest replies, hesitantly running his fingers across the surface of his cup.

Truth to be told, while he was fearing of wanting death, he found himself enjoying the concept of death more and more.

 

But is it worth it?

To disappear from all these problems, to have freedom while his loved ones sob and cry?

 

To let Jinyoung, Youngjae and Jackson suffer from a loss of someone close again?

To let Bambam suffer from a heartbreak of losing his lover, his childhood friend, thee shoulder that he could lean on?

 

Youngjae looks at him sadly, hand reaching out to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Yugyeom smiles in reply but it resembles a grimace instead, and Jackson apologies.

 

The air is heavy between the three of them.

  
  
  
  


When Yugyeom meets Mark properly for the first time, he was pretty much dying and he didn't think twice before swallowing bottles of sleeping pills when he woke up crying from the nightmare where Jaebum crying at him, telling him that he's lonely and scared.

He was lying in the bathtub, empty pill bottles littered around and Mark frowns at him.

 

It's Mark who breaks the silence first.

 

“Is it worth it?”,

He asks, voice still like a soft whisper, sharp like a needle, dread lacing at the end of the sentence.

Yugyeom blinks sleepily in response.

 

“Guess so.”,

He slurs out a reply and Mark frowns more.

“You know it's not worth it.”,

Mark tells him, spinning on his heels to leave with his footsteps like as if he's gliding, just like how Yugyeom remembered.

 

He thinks, even with sleepiness from the drugs, he can't seem to want to die.

Yugyeom struggles to keep his eyes open.

 

Bambam bursts through the bathroom door 5 minutes later when Yugyeom is having his eyes fluttering shut, a shaky hands on his phone and the other hand hauling the younger out of the tub while screaming and crying.

 

Yugyeom gets send to the hospital in time to pump out the drugs out of his system and Dahyun tells Bambam that Yugyeom's lucky to be alive.

  
  
  
  


“Why did you do that?”,

Bambam asks when Yugyeom wakes up, eyes red and puffy and Yugyeom spots Youngjae curled up asleep in Jackson's lap on the unsteady stool, the curtain behind them flowing with along the breeze of the mist dispenser.

 

Instead of replying, Yugyeom reaches out to hug Bambam, tears prickling as his boyfriend sobs, face buried at the crook of his neck, grip tight as if Yugyeom would disappear if he let go.

Youngjae wakes up to the broken cries of his friends and Jackson scrambles to stand up and run to check on Yugyeom.

 

Yugyeom doesn't stop wanting death.

Especially with the nightmares he wakes up to as he coughs, chokes on air while cold sweat and tears stream down his face.

It's always Jaebum, or sometimes his patients.

 

They sob and howl, crawling towards Yugyeom from the dark with hollow cheekbones and veiny red eyes, bones almost jutting their skin and some with flies around them.

Flies.

 

His head spins.

Yugyeom shudders at the memory, stumbling off the bed with his vision blurry and before he knows it he's in the toilet, throwing up in the toilet bowl, tears, sweat, snot all over his face.

 

He doesn't want to wake Bambam up, his hardworking lover who had passed out of fatigue on a pile of half sewed fabrics with sketch papers scattered around.

So he cries silently as he messily scatters his clothes on the towel rack and washes his pain, fear and sorrow away with the hot water on the highest setting.

 

He starts seeing Mark more often, during grocery shopping, therapy, sometime in his kitchen.

But no one except him can see Mark, so he doesn't mention anything, especially to Youngjae.

 

Yugyeom couldn't stand being alive, guilt eating him from inside as he watches his hospital patients leave one after another ever since he quitted with the hospital running low on staff.

So he confronts the “angel”, curious and desperate about how death is like.

 

It wasn't planned at all, but Mark is sitting cross-legged on Bambam's favorite marble counter, expression knowing and quiet on one breezy summer day.

Yugyeom is leaning against a sink, iced tea in his hands as the “angel” watches on.

 

“Is death scary?”,

Yugyeom breaks the silence and Mark blinks.

“Only if you think it is.”,

Voice like the summer breeze, Mark sounds distant, but the pronunciation of every word is crystal clear, unable to miss. 

 

His green eyes look slightly dull, mournful, glimmering with pity and sadness.

Yugyeom couldn't look away.

 

The pair of emerald green eyes blinks, blond lashes fluttering over high cheekbones and Yugyeom hears a sigh, soft like the buzzing of Bambam's newly installed air conditioner.

“Please don't be reckless.”,

Mark tells him and he hops off the counter, long fingers dragging across the surface of the marble counter, walking pass Yugyeom and disappearing out the door.

 

Yugyeom looks down at his cup, watching the hot steam blend with the air.

  
  
  
  


Blood.

There's blood everywhere.

 

There's Jinyoung, crying into his knees, curled up and shaking like a child.

There's Youngjae, sobbing uncontrollably with Jackson holding him back, bringing his lover into a tight hug.

 

Yugyeom wants to comfort them, comfort his friends sitting in the pool of blood.

And suddenly, expensive gucci shoes are in front of him and he sees Bambam, laying a beautiful lily on his chest, kissing his forehead gently and Yugyeom sobs.

 

He's held down by an unknown force, blood splattered all over him and he shakes, trying to cough away the blood clogged at his nose.

But he couldn't, his body isn't responding and he drowns in the smell of metal and the familiar fresh uncooked chicken.

 

Yugyeom feels nacreous as he tries to get up, his hands cold and unresponsive.

He can feel tears flowing down his cheek, he can feel Bambam's warmth more distant by the second and he trashes around, only to find himself unable to move.

 

There's something shaking him as he watches Youngjae howl in sorrow, sobbing into Jackson's chest as the elder’s tears flow like a river, blood more thinner with Jackson's tears.

Jinyoung is crying harder, voice loud and it rings, it stings, making Yugyeom unable to comprehend.

 

He can't breathe, he can't shake the sharp pain in his eardrums, he can't move, he can’- 

 

“YUGYEOM!”

 

And he breathes.

 

Yugyeom sits up immediately, chest heaving and something feels like it pressing on his heart, making him exhausted with every movement.

“Gyeom.”,

A worried voice that's familiar, the voice he loves, Bambam.

 

Bambam is sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching onto his shoulders tightly and smiles shakily.

“You want me to sleep with you?”,

Bambam asks and Yugyeom nods, tears streaming down his face as he hugs his lover hurriedly with shaky fingers, basking in the scent of Chanel No.1.

  
  
  
  


The next day he wakes up wheezing, dreams filled with flies and blood.

 

The day after he wakes up shaking and stumbles into the toilet to puke, dreams filled with soldiers crying, sorrow muffled with bombing.

 

Yugyeom couldn't bare to get kisses and hugs from Bambam without feeling guilty that his lover is exhausted from work, trying to feed them both.

 

He couldn't dare to call Youngjae in the middle of the night, knowing that the other is asleep after a day of work.

 

And he doesn't dare to call Jackson, having the man occupied with surgery after surgery.

 

Yugyeom would call Jinyoung and cry about his nightmares, but he knows that the lieutenant is mentally exhausted of losing and filing deaths after deaths.

 

It continues for a month and it makes Yugyeom more and more tired, sloppy and dragging his feet, unable to swallow a medium rare steak without feeling like puking.

 

He feels afraid, unable to stand being alive.

 

And that's how he finds himself looking at his swelling body, painkillers on the ground as he sobs into his hands, cold and lonely.

Guilt fills his chest, knowing well that Bambam won't be able to be happy without him, knowing that Youngjae has to suffer from another loss, knowing that Jackson and Jinyoung will get more depressed.

 

“Why did you do that?”,

Voice soft like cotton, light like a feather, sad like a mother who lost her child.

 

Mark.

 

“I-I don't know.”,

Yugyeom sobs, watching blood stain the tub lightly, crouching next to his pale blue body.

“I can't save you.”,

Mark tells him, crouching down next to the crying male, a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

Mark's touch is soft, like a cat paw, unable to feel the sharp painful nails.

 

“Yugyeom?”,

Bambam's voice is muffled by the toilet door and Yugyeom cries harder in guilt.

“Yugyeom! Open up!”,

Youngjae, voice panic, cracking at the end of the sentence, banging on the door frantically and Yugyeom turns to Mark with eyes wide with fear and guilt.

 

“Help me. Please.”,

Yugyeom sobs, his blue hand grabbing Mark's snow white hands.

“I can't. You can't undo mistakes every time.”,

Mark tells him sadly, pulling back and wrapping his arms around the lost soul comfortingly.

 

“It's funny, isn't it?”,

Yugyeom chokes on his words, managing a shaky smile with Bambam and Youngjae screaming and banging on the door.

“Why?”,

Mark asks as they're squatting facing each other.

 

“Because I died like this. Lonely and scared.”,

Yugyeom tells him, looking down at a scattered pill on the wet toilet floor, slowly fizzing and dissolving.

“It's not.”

Mark tells him, and they both sit on the wet floor together.

 

“Gyeom! Dammit open the door!”,

A new voice joins in the screaming and he could feel another new incomer running into the door, hard.

It's Jackson and Jinyoung, and it makes Yugyeom more and more guilty by the second.

 

The door does burst open, Jinyoung clutching on his injured shoulder and the four of them unable to make a sound, unable to move a muscle in shock.

“I wanna go now.”,

Yugyeom whispers sadly as he scans over his friends and his lover's broken expression, hand reaching out for Mark.

 

“D-Don't you want to stay longer?”,

Mark asks, hesitant with his fingers gripping on his pants, expression tight.

Yugyeom can see Bambam and Youngjae passing through Mark crying and screaming for him, picking up his dead body as Jackson calls an ambulance with Jinyoung getting a towel to stop the blood from his open wrist.

 

“Now.”,

Yugyeom pleads, vision blurred with his tears.

“You still have time.”,

Mark tells him patiently.

 

“Now.”

 

“Yugye-”

 

“I SAID NOW!”

 

Yugyeom sobs, hands reaching out for Mark desperately as he walks backwards.

“Please. I don't want to see any of this anymore.”,

The lost soul sobs out, face planting to the floor, the panicked screams of his friends and lover muffled.

 

“Stay.”,

Mark tells him softly, eyes sorrowful.

“I don't want to. I've seen enough.”,

Yugyeom replies him shakily, eyes lifting from the ground to meet Mark's.

 

“Do you want to know something?”,

Mark asks, dragging some time for the ambulance to come and save Yugyeom.

“What?”,

Yugyeom asks, voice meek and hoarse.

 

“Jaebum saw me when he hung himself. He wanted to stay though. He wanted to see you guys as long as he can.”,

Mark tells him, soft like a deer’s hooves colliding with a patch of grass, warm like sunlight shining through the gaps of tree leaves, endearing, it is.

 

Yugyeom sniffles, hugging his knees closer in guilt.

“Stay alive, Gyeom. You'll get through it.”,

Mark tells him gently, sitting next to the crying boy.

 

They can hear Bambam shaking and sobbing in fear, Youngjae quiet and tears staining his shirt, Jackson talking on the phone in panic and Jinyoung pressing on the wound, towel now dyed red from his blood.

But it's quiet, every voice of Yugyeom's love ones distant and he feels quiet, heart empty and throat dry.

 

Then there's ambulance sirens which made Yugyeom's head snap up and he looks at Mark pleadingly.

 

“Bring me. Please.”,

Yugyeom croaks out weakly, standing up shakily, walking towards Mark.

Defeated, Mark sighs, soft and sad.

 

“Are you sure?”,

He asks Yugyeom, hands firmly placed at the side of his body.

“Please.”,

Yugyeom nods frantically and Mark puts out his hand.

 

“Let's go, Yugyeom-ah.”,

Mark tells him as they link hands, taking a glance at the crying Yugyeom.

Ignoring the cries of Bambam and the others as the paramedic tells them that Yugyeom is gone, the lost now found soul swallows a bile, following Mark out the door, reaching for release.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> scream at me at my twitter, curiouscat (@ double_the_zero) and tumblr ( @notahero-ffs) !  
> the tumblr blog is new so give me some time to update it 
> 
> ALSO PLS GO STREAM LOOK AND RMBR TO PUT #LookGOT7 in your tweets!!!!!  
> <3


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